Poor unfortunate Deidera
by Gaara's-pandachan101
Summary: A crack fic with the song 'Poor unfortunate Souls'. Deidera, Sasori, Itachi and Kisame have to go see a witch. What does she have instore for them? find out


**Sendo: You know the drill we don't own Naruto.**

**Mary: Or the song, it's 'Poor unfortunate Souls' by the Jonas Brothers!**

"What are we doing?" asked Kisame, he, Deidera, Itachi and Sasori were assigned a mission from the Leader.

"Were you listening at all un?" asked Deidera.

"Nope." said Kisame.

"You moron." said Sasori. "We have to investigate this witch woman who has been living a little

to close to the hideout for Leader-sama's taste."

"Oh, where does she live?" asked Kisame.

"Inside the forest, un."

"Why doesn't leader-sama like her?" asked Sasori.

"Because she has apparently done some jutsu to the higher ranking members. Also, we need her on our side, she seems pretty powerful." said Itachi, speaking for the first time.

"Look, there is her house un." said Deidera. They has entered a very small clearing where a run down house, that looked like it had been there for six melania, stood.

"Should we knock?" asked Kisame.

"Well, judging by Leader-sama's description I think that we should." said Sasori. Itachi knocked and a slightly bossy voice spoke.

"Come in." she said. The four entered and saw a woman of around twenty standing over a cauldron.

The girl was pretty tall, she had brown hair that was covered by a jewed hair cover. She wore a black kimono with a purple obi and very thick dark purple eye makeup. Her skin was tanned and her eyes were pink.

"Hello, my name is Kijo." she said. "What is it?"

"Well, we have a favor to ask-" Kisame was cut short by Kijo.

"Oh, I know what it is." she said. "You need my help."

"You have, in the past, killed one of our members." said Itachi.

"So?" she asked.

"You are an odd person, I knew what they said about you way true! Un!" said Deidera.

"I admit that in the past I've been a nasty

They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange

But you'll find that nowadays

I've mended all my ways

Repented, seen the light, and made a change." Kijo began to sing her response, it was unnerving to the Akatsuki. The air was now charged with energy and a blinding light went through the house.

"Ah!!! Help me! I can't see! Un!" Deidera yelled.

"So, you do need help?" asked Kijo.

"Yes! Help me!" Deidera said.

"Do you have anything to help him?" asked Sasori. Deidera let out a small chuckle at the prospect that Kijo could do anything to help him with his stinging eyes.

"And I fortunately know a little secret

It's a talent that I always have possessed

And dear lady, please don't laugh

I use it on behalf

Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed." Kijo sang, Itachi activated his sharigan and glared.

"Poor unfortunate souls

In pain

In need

This one longing to be thinner," she pointed to Kisame who growled.

"That one wants to get the girl." she pointed to Sasori who 'hmphed'

"And do I help them?

Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad

So true

They come flocking to me crying

"Will you help us, pretty please?"

And I help them!

Yes I do!" She rounded the cauldron again and grabbed up some jars. Deidera was cursing at the fact that he saw still seeing spots and blabbering about how he was going to kill the Witch. Kisame was muttering about how he was not fat, Itachi was glaring and Sasori was glaring as well.

"The men up there don't like a lot of blabber

They think a girl who gossips is a bore!

Yes on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word." she snapped her fingers and a cloth wrapped itself around Deidera's mouth. He made angry hand gestures but couldn't get anything through the cloth.

"And after all dear, what is idle prattle for?

They're not all that impressed with conversation

True gentlemen avoid it when they can

But they dote and swoon and fawn

On ladies who withdrawn." Itachi's glare was so intense that Sasori could swear that he was trying to burn a hole in Kijo.

"It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man." Kijo poured something into the cauldron and a huge puff of lavender smoke went up. Deidera couldn't undo the knot on the cloth and Kisame was now trying to avoid looking at a jar on the wall that was labeled 'Sharks Hearts'

"Poor unfortunate souls

Go ahead!

Make your choice!

I'm a very busy person and I haven't got all day

It won't cost much

Just your voice!" Kijo was now holding a very pretty shell that she dipped into the potion. At that point Deidera finally got the cloth off.

"What un?!?!" he yelled. Why did she want this voice?

"Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad

So true

If you wanna cross the bridge, my sweet

You've got the pay the toll

Take a gulp

Take a breath

Go ahead

Sign the scroll." Kijo handed him a scroll that was labeled 'Love potion' Deidera recoiled, 'why does she want me to fall in love?' Two black cats wound around Deidera's ankles and clambered on a stool near Kijo.

"Nick and Kevin

Now I've got her, boys

The boss is on a roll

You poor unfortunate souls." Kijo sang.

"I AM NOT A GIRL!" Yelled Deidera.

"Your not?" asked Sasori,

"No! I am not!" yelled Deidera.

"Well, sometimes during the month you seem-" Sasori was cut short by Kijo.

"In pain

In need

This one longing to be thinner" pointing to Kisame, Kijo smirked. Kisame grabbed a jar on the table with red celery in it and started munching.

"I'm not fat; I'm not fat." he said while rocking back and forth.

"That one wants to get the girl." she pointed to Sasori. He growled and his hands shook, he was pissed.

"And do I help them?

Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad

So true

They come flocking to me crying

"Will you help us, pretty please?"

And I help them!

Yes I do!" Koji was belting out the last lyrics to the song when suddenly Itachi slashed her throat with his katana. Then he beheaded the cats and walked out the door.

Deidera was grumbling something that sounded like "I am not a girl."

Sasori was saying "I've got plenty of girls."

Kisame turned to the cats that were bleeding onto the dirt floor.

"Those poor unfortunate souls." he said.


End file.
